Thursday, March 17, 2005

A Far Better Thing That I Do...

I do believe the worst is over. What an atrocious day. Fewer days ahead then there are behind. I found myself slipping into a personality and a mode of thought that I'd thought I'd abandoned in high school. There are so many different faces that make up the "whole" self. It's the path to realizing that "self" that pushes us towards xenophobia and exclusion, and, yes, human weakness.

I will continue to do this, despite my weakness, because I am (mostly) rational. I (mostly) have control over my conscious urges. My life over the past 6 months has been full of restraint, loss and stale anticipation. I feel quite fortunate that certain constraints in my life (primarily financial) have fallen into place, and allowed me the opportunity to feel some relief from the crushing jack-boot of our oppressive social systems. This Hour lends itself to aid me in meting out some half-obscured truths.

Now, just as it was 8 years ago, the company of close friends and confidants carries me through moments of unsolicited doubt and uncertainty. I was a chubby, glasses-donning ball of angst and cynicism then. Beneath my thinly-vein and shoddily-founded Nihilism hid a great Idealism; waiting to be unearthed by life experience and all-too-human pain and suffering. I've experienced unconditional love, indifferent exploitation and personal satisfaction. I certainly have run the whole gamut, but like the mathematical limit or Platonic form, I am approaching the plateau. This course is by no means certain; it must be constantly reaffirmed.


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